Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
