Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
