you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?