No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila