Texts From Last Night

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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches

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  (856): Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches http://tfl.nu/oe4j
  Replies (29) Good night (4678) Bad night (692) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.

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  (917): My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts. http://tfl.nu/py1e
  Replies (22) Good night (1983) Bad night (3317) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara

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  (740): hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara http://tfl.nu/38gp
  Replies (14) Good night (622) Bad night (5214) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Clearly I went along with it

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  (732): she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her (732): Clearly I went along with it http://tfl.nu/y5y5
  Replies (5) Good night (4543) Bad night (846)
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  (408): View more from California

  Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.

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  (408): Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver. http://tfl.nu/uqq7
  Replies (10) Good night (3501) Bad night (1006) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?

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  (919): so are you any less fat since you started doing blow? http://tfl.nu/jikm
  Replies (40) Good night (1578) Bad night (5639) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.

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  (908): I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator. http://tfl.nu/xdgs
  Replies (4) Good night (1105) Bad night (2589) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl

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  (913): You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl http://tfl.nu/bt6t
  Replies (1) Good night (1223) Bad night (2149) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.

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  (513): Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through. http://tfl.nu/9dxn
  Replies (3) Good night (751) Bad night (1602) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing

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  (203): Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing http://tfl.nu/rf46
  Replies (2) Good night (1264) Bad night (783) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car

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  (443): dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car http://tfl.nu/5sre
  Replies (2) Good night (1165) Bad night (572) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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  (202): I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery. (202): That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics. http://tfl.nu/1mv0
  Replies (28) Good night (2812) Bad night (911)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.

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  (613): Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in. http://tfl.nu/gv1u
  Replies (3) Good night (812) Bad night (228) Order T-Shirt
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  (+86): View more from China

  Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.

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  (+86): Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs. http://tfl.nu/vpgv
  Replies (4) Good night (507) Bad night (204)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I could run a drunk marathon in heels

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  (425): I could run a drunk marathon in heels http://tfl.nu/oxgs
  Replies (3) Good night (363) Bad night (130) Order T-Shirt

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