Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
