he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
