Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Mom said you looked used
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
