So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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