the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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