Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
