i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
we're making bets on your personal life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize