ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize