matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
