Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
