Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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