weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
