Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
