just come out here and I will go home with you...
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
