OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
