If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
