Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
