so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
