I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
