I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
