The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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