omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
