She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
