You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
