Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
