I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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