I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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