I just pynch a tree in the face
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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