did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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