how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
