i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Randomize
