when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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