My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
