I will die if light touches me.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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