i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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