just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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