my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
