I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
