It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
it glows. i had to have it.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
