I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
