Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
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im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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