his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
being pregnant is like rehab
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
