I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
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Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
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For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Dear god my vagina.
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