I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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