Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
