If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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