Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
