I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
