I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
