I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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