How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
