He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
he puts the penis in happiness.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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