How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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