Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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