I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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