He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
